Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.
